When the choice is not clear

As I was parking at Wrightsville Beach this morning, I ran into someone I haven’t seen since surgery. She gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. I got emotional in the moment, and that really confused me.

It took me some time walking at the beach before I realized why I got teary-eyed. I am thinking constantly about whether or not I should go on Letrozole, and I think that’s causing me more anxiety than I realized.

Up until this point, the “next step” has been pretty clear. Surgery was a given. Switching my care to Duke wasn’t much of a choice. Deciding against chemo was easy after research.

But Letrozole is different. There is conflicting clinical evidence. There is conflicting anecdotal evidence among those who have used Letrozole.

There’s no easy choice here. No strikingly right answer.

I feel great right now. But we know I still have cancer in my body. Do I give up the health I currently have in order to perhaps have better quality of life in the future?

Letrozole has a multitude of harsh side effects for many people. But for some people it does not.

Letrozole could possibly keep me from developing more tumors for a substantial amount of time. Or it might not.

I am not currently at peace with going on Letrozole. But I also do not have to make that choice today. I will, however, have to make a choice soon.

So for those of you who’ve asked me in recent months how you can specifically pray, here it is:

Pray that I will make the choice that is best for me, and that once I make that choice, come what may, I will not second-guess the decision.