The boys
March 23, 2023
The letters.
When I left Haiti each of the boys gave me a letter. I held them and didn’t try to read them as they felt like sacred writings in my hand, something to be saved for a time when they could be read with great care and given the attention they deserve.
When I read them, my heart was overwhelmed by the words of teenage boys - boys I know do not share their emotions freely. I was most amazed to read what Stanley wrote:
“It is the grace of God with you who removed me from under the hand of Fedrick.”
The hand of Fedrick. Sometimes I forget the hand of Fedrick. Sometimes I forget the children’s stories as they have a new life.
But the children? The children will never forget. They lived that nightmare. And it will, in some way, always be with them - that darkness - no matter how much light floods their lives these days.
When did these six go from being kids we were caring for to kids that I knew were my own? When did they become my sons? As I told them on Monday morning, “We do not have papers, but we all know the truth. You are adopted.” And they are.
And they are loved. So deeply. I do not want to be another loss in their lives.
What does a friend say at a time like this?
March 23, 2023
I had a good meeting with Dr Robinson today.
He told me that he has had several patients with GCT, but I am the first patient he has encountered with recurrence.
He told me that my cancer is manageable but not curable.
He said chemotherapy is my best course of action.
He told me that I have many options with surgery as the PET does not indicate cancer in the ovary. However, given the size of the cyst, he still recommends removal as torsion could happen at any time.
The PET scan does strongly indicate I do have a cancerous spot very low in my pelvis, possibly attached to my uterus or my lower digestive tract. It's impossible to know from the PET scan if it can be removed or not.
Of course, we already know the spots in the subcutaneous tissue are cancer because we biopsied them.
He said that I might be able to maintain an active lifestyle during chemo. He said that the fact that I am active and otherwise healthy increases the chances of that.
He has no problem with me going to Haiti - even the week after surgery or during chemo.
I signed off on the surgical release forms for having my uterus, left ovary and fallopian tube, subcutaneous tumors and the tumor in the lower pelvis removed. However, I can change my mind, and since we're doing chemo he doesn't necessarily believe we need to do that much surgery.
Right now I am leaning towards the least amount of surgery possible and then chemo and praying that does what we need it to do.
Because GCT is such a rare form of cancer, there are not clinical trials in progress we are aware of.
March 24, 2023
Best reply to the above message:
That is a lot....Thank you for sharing with me. My love and prayers are with you and all those who love and care for you 💙
I am very confident you will make the right decisions at the right time. I know that the Lord is and will continue to lead.
Am assuming you will still have surgery on the 14th. Am so grateful that you should be able to travel to Haiti. Your people need you and you need them💙 You are not alone.
Why bother?
March 21, 2023
I am back in Wilmington and headed to a hair appointment this morning I scheduled before I knew everything I know now.
And it just hit me. I won’t have appointments with Ashley much longer. I won’t need a color and cut every six weeks or so. After roughly 7 years together, Ashley and I will be taking a break.
And that makes me sad.
It seems silly to be trying to plan things out with my hair right now. To cut bangs or not to cut bangs. To color or highlight. It will all be meaningless so soon.
And yet it feels like something I can hold on to for right now while life is still normal.
Because relationships matter
3/13/2023
So, this morning God answered a very specific prayer in a very specific way. But it didn’t come without some tears and frustration first.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I value relationships. And this little comes down to that - relationships are important.
I was at Grinder’s with a friend, and the doctor's office called to change my surgery date from April 12 to April 5. This created so many problems for me, and I was feeling like everything was out of control. Multiple appointments would have to be rescheduled/multiple commitments shifted.
So I sat down and typed out an email to my doctor. He is on vacation April 10 - 15. His office did not communicate well and get that on the calendar. I wrote him and told him that I understood that he would be on vacation, but I told him all the ways this change was impacting me and my family - not the least of which being Steeve was planning to be here with me and he can't come April 5 because of Easter at his church on April 9.
(I had been praying for a few days that God would clearly show me if Dr Robinson was supposed to be my doctor through this)
So here's what happened.
Dr Robinson called me. Again I told him how inconvenient April 5 was after all the planning that went into April 12.
So... Dr Robinson is actually going to come in to do my surgery while he's supposed to be on vacation because . . . he's just that kind of doctor.
After much discussion (including his offering to change his vacation plans completely and do it as promised originally on April 12) we settled on April 14 at 6 a.m.
This just confirms for me I want to keep my care with Dr Robinson and not transfer to UNC, though we both agreed I'll still see Dr Souper tomorrow - just for additional insight/advice.
Relationships matter, and Dr Robinson knows me, and he obviously cares about me.
That was my answer to prayer. God wants me to stay with Dr Robinson and hear his voice and trust him. That is what God revealed to me today.
So many people are offering me advice right now, but I am going to settle my mind on the care of this incredibly compassionate and competent physician God has put right in front of me.
Also, Dr R gave me clearance to go to Haiti next week, as scheduled. Could something happen medically? Absolutely, but he does not think the risk is great enough for me to cancel the trip. That was good to hear one more time, too
A 2nd opinion
My meeting with Dr Soper in Chapel Hill was good. He did not tell me anything I didn’t already suspect or know, but he laid it out well.
Surgery. Look at the nodule at the back of the pelvis.
Genomic testing.
Taxol and Carboplatin - 6 cycles spaced 3 weeks apart. May be able to travel to Haiti as long as I stay healthy enough
Notes:
Chemo will bring fatigue. I’m going to need more rest than I think I will need.
Stay closer to home for treatment. Dr Robinson knows what he’s doing.
Jeff Swanson reminded me of Psalm 107 last night. It’s going to be a daily reading going forward.
“Lord, help!” they cried in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
When my heart is overwhelmed
I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety. Psalm 61:2
As I shared things with people via text yesterday, many asked, “How are you?” and I replied: “Overwhelmed” more than once.
This morning, the Lord brought the phrase “Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.”
I searched out the verse and in Psalm 61 (NLT) the word “overwhelmed” is used. Over and over I am seeing glimpses of God in my days and interactions. He will lead me to the place of safety.
This morning I am claiming David’s words as my own: “I will not die; instead, I will live to tell what the LORD has done.” Psalm 118:17
I am ready to fight.
Dr. Robinson called
March 8
We had just finished worship to open RMN this morning, and Dr. Robinson called. So I left the meeting and took his call out in the hallway.
The tumor committee met. They’re recommending surgery . . . and chemo.
I knew they would recommend chemo, didn’t I? Then why was it so hard hearing those words? They took my breath away. I think my voice broke as I responded. I can’t even remember what I said, but I heard the empathy in Dr. Robinson’s voice. And it unnerved me.
Then I walked back into the meeting, carrying my secret, hidden inside of me, wanting desperately to tell someone but not knowing how.
I’m just trying to act normal - March 7
I am at RMN in Charlotte. I am just trying to act like everything’s normal while watching my phone, waiting for Dr. Robinson to call, waiting for more information. Waiting.
I am carrying this secret. And no one knows. I have cancer. But I look perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, and yet there is disease lurking inside - a disease that’s actually making me look good as it produces ridiculous amounts of estrogen. My hair, my skin. They’re amazing.
That was actually my first clue that something was wrong months ago. My hair. My hair that I have always loved. It was just too good - too healthy, too shiny, too full, too vibrant. It reminded me of the way my hair was before the initial diagnosis in 2019.
Isn’t it ironic that very thing that is bringing me so many compliments, “Becky, your hair looks amazing! What did you do this morning?” is the very thing that will kill me if left unchecked.
The first text - March 2
After suspecting for weeks (okay, if I am honest, months) that I was experiencing a recurrence of GCT, this is the text I sent to friends and family after seeing Dr. Robinson on March 2.
The sample taken from my abdomen on Tuesday is cancerous. Based on this fact, we are making the assumption my left ovary is cancerous, as well.
Here is what I can say with certainty at this point:
1) I have requested a referral to a specific physician at UNC
2) I will be having surgery in the weeks ahead, but I am not rushing things. I want to be fully informed before we move forward, and fully informed means gathering info from multiple sources.
3) This is a recurrence of the cancer I had in 2019.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for praying.
It is my desire in the coming days that my life be characterized by these verses:
Psalm 90: 12 - Teach us to number our days so that we can comprehend the brevity of life.
Job 13:15 - Though He slay me, I will hope in Him; yet I will argue my ways to His face.
Daniel 3:17 - 18 - If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if He doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.
John 9:2-3 “Rabbi,” his disciples asked him, “why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents’ sins?”
“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.
To quote a friend, “God is good, but God’s definition of goodness doesn’t really align with our human definition and understanding.”
He is the author of my story. He has been in the past. He is today. And He will be in the future.
And that brings great peace in the face of much uncertainty.